It was almost my birthday, and I couldn’t resist sharing a theory that had been quietly brewing in my mind for years. A theory that, for some reason, people refrained from speaking out loud. However, with my birthday on the horizon, I thought, “Why not?” So, here it is: people born in December are, without a doubt, superior to everyone else. Now, before you start wondering whether I was born in December, let me assure you that the answer is a resounding yes.
But is being born in December relevant? Well, that depends on who you ask
Whenever I meet new people, a peculiar notion often crosses my mind. I believe I can tell if they were born in December. They possess a unique set of traits: well-adjusted, resilient, and harboring a healthy sense of self-loathing. If someone were to yell at them, “YOU’RE NOT THE CENTRE OF THE UNIVERSE; NO ONE EVEN CARES ABOUT YOU,” they’d calmly nod and reply, “Correct, kind Sir. I’ve known that since no one showed up to my birthday party when I was four.”
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Quite often, you’re forgotten if you’re born in December
Being born in December means entering the world at a time when everyone is wrapped up in their holiday hustle and bustle. Your grandmother might not have visited you in the hospital because she was lounging by a pool. Surrounded by cousins born in July. The memories stick, and you grow up knowing that your arrival was met with a collective shrug.
Your parents probably hate you for being born in December (and I mean this in the kindest way)
As a born-in-December baby, your parents might have harbored a subtle resentment. Whether you disrupted Christmas celebrations or made them spend the holidays in a hospital or with a newborn in tow. The lack of mandatory fuss on your birthday doesn’t help either. While other kids enjoy cupcakes and flowers, you find yourself at home, trying to bring up your birthday only to be told that this is a stressful time of year. And your presence should be discreetly absent.
Is there even time to think about gifts?
One particular year, at the age of 15, I hadn’t yet learned that being born in December was considered an inconvenience. I woke up to no gift, and my mother, overwhelmed with holiday preparations, dashed out to Westfield and returned with an unwrapped blender. A blender for milkshakes, because I worked at Boost at the time. I cried harder than ever before. But looking back, it beat any narcissistic traits out of me. Or so I hope.
Birthday month? Get out of here
December babies never get the luxury of claiming a “birthday week” or “birthday month.” Main Character Birthday Energy is a foreign concept to us. Christmas overshadows everything, and no matter how much you’d like to be the main character, it’s just not in the cards.
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Everyone’s broke
By the time December rolls around, the world is collectively running on fumes. No money, no time, and certainly no hecks to give. It’s no wonder babies born in December end up being pessimists. Spending 11 months of the year with nothing and then cramming all celebrations into a single, overwhelming month.
Birthdays and Christmas morphed into one
Despite the injustice of receiving combined birthday and Christmas presents or dealing with the inevitable slightly disappointing gift, born in December babies emerge well-adjusted and appreciative. It’s our survival mechanism—a belief deep in our souls that all this hardship somehow makes us better people. So, while we may not get the birthday party, phone calls, presents, or attention, we hold onto the hope that, in the end, it’s worth it.
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