Mystical Raven
Mystical Raven
October 31, 2024 ·  8 min read

5 Subtle Signs You Experienced a Rough Childhood

How these behaviors can fly under the radar if you aren’t looking for them.

ome may look back on their early years with fond memories of family and friends, neighborhood block parties, and feeling safe and secure in your own bed at night. For others, we grew up living in survival mode where flight or fight became the norm. We may have learned to sleep with one eye open and alert to the first sign of danger. Or, we may have faked being asleep to avoid dealing with our caregiver.

Growing up in inconsistent, unpredictable and violent conditions has a way of teaching a person just how to survive the elements. Yet, for some, the “elements” aren’t about surviving Mother Nature. They’re based on getting through another night with an abusive caregiver who’s taking their hatred of themselves and the world out on you.

While most of us can nod along in seeing the obvious red flags that someone grew up having a bad childhood, such as them developing narcissistic behavior or a taste for drugs or alcohol, there are other less obvious behaviors that also shine a light on how a person may have been raised in an unhealthy environment.

Hyper-Independence or Hyper-Dependence

People who are overly independent are often scared of being on their own. As crazy and counterintuitive as it sounds, many of these people grew up in conditions where they had to fend for themselves and did not have a solid, consistent, or reliable caregiver in which to turn. They may have had to make their school lunch as a small child, and get themselves to and from school. They may have had to learn how to wash their own clothes, and care for their parent or caregiver who was on the other end of the spectrum (in being hyper-dependent) on their kids to care for them. Some may have been booted out of their house at eighteen years old (as their siblings may have been) and learned through the School of Hard Knocks how the world works.

On the flipside are those who grew up being taught that they are worthless. They may have been physically abused as a young child for old not knowing how to make a bed, and may have been harshly verbally abused for being in their parent’s way. As such, they may have grown up learning to hide –from their caregiver, from being seen or told they’re a burden, and from the world that proved intimidating and frightening. Many who experienced this dynamic grew up being totally reliant on their caregivers for everything while being shamed for not being taught how to care for themselves and for having basic needs.

They become ill-prepared for adulthood, looking at others to “fix”, “rescue”, “save” them from their abusive childhood that stole their autonomy and their ability to be a functional adult. They become vulnerable for the “white knight” narcissist who swoops in to “rescue” them, only to find out that they have another toxic agenda.

To anyone unfamiliar with these red flags, they may look like someone is just independent, or they may look at the person needing help as romanticizing it and coming in as the caretaker and “savior”. Yet, a closer look reveals that on one end, the hyper-independent person usually had to grow up fast, while on the other end, the hyper-dependent person usually grew up alone and without being taught any life skills.

Disordered Eating

What some may not know is how growing up in poverty can affect your adult life. What was conditioned as “normal” in a person’s childhood such as flipping a coin to see who gets to eat dinner, or strong-arming their siblings so they can have an extra bite of their brother’s dinner — is not “typical” behavior. Yet, some people grew up in these environments, not realizing that they were below what the government identifies as the poverty threshold.

These people grow up having an unhealthy relationship with food. They may become excessively fast eaters, and barely chewing their food before inhaling another bite. Or, they may binge eat to the point of sickness because they have never experienced feeling “full” in their childhood. Many live in extreme guilt where they overstock their refrigerators out of fear of going back “where they came from”. Others may overspend by hundreds of dollars on lavish food as a way of validating their ego and ego-needs.

On the flipside, some may have grown up with a “Mommy Dearest” caregiver who demanded they ate everything on their plate before being allowed to get up from the dinner table. They were often harshly and punitively punished and shamed, force-fed, and physically abused unless they ate their entire dinner, leaving nothing but the plate remaining. They too, often develop an unhealthy relationship with food. Sometimes obsessively counting calories, while other times binge eating to the point of physical illness. Some may struggle with weight problems, while others obsessively control their weight, and everything in their lives.

The one common element these two extremes share is a lack of moderation and consistency, where growing up in these conditions becomes and All or Nothing relationship with food.

To an unsuspecting eye, these patterns may look like little more than someone who is a “foodie” or someone who is watching their waistline. Yet, to a trained eye, these kinds of behaviors are red flashing lights that someone grew up in poverty, or in an abusive situation surrounding food.

Hyper-Aware of Their Environment

Anyone who grew up in an unpredictable environment knows that the #1 thing we do is watch. We watch the people around us. We watch where we are in crowds. We look for exit strategies “just in case”. We know where the Exit signs are in the mall, the venue, and the concert amphitheater, in case of an emergency. We sit with our back to the wall at restaurants so we have the birds-eye view of others. We know alternate routes on the highway, and have studied the back-roads and mastered them. And, we respond with precision accuracy in an emergency with lightning fast reflexes.

These are all subtle signs of someone who grew up in a volatile, toxic, abusive, and unpredictable environment, where we had to be prepared for anything. And, as adults we may become the “planners”, the survivalists, and the ones with a bugout bag ready in a moment’s notice.

While it is healthy to be aware of your environment, for anyone who grew up in a highly volatile environment, they take watching and planning to the next level. They are obsessive about examining other people’s behavior, looking for the first sign of danger, and being prepared “just in case”.

Inconsistent Boundaries

For a person who grew up in a toxic environment, they don’t know what boundaries are, often because they had their own boundaries violated. Boundary violations are along a spectrum — from being barged in on in the bathroom while taking a shower, to more extreme conditions where a militaristic parent routinely (and unpredictably) would go through your belongings.

Yet, there are more subtle boundary violations such as taking a person’s belongings without asking, or not taking subtle hints that a person is uninterested in continuing a conversation.

What all boundary violations teach a person is: “I don’t matter.” Diving deeper, this can go one of two common ways; either the person continues having shoddy boundaries around others in their life, or they develop such rigid and strict boundaries that they are unrealistic and punitive.

A deeper dive often reveals that for anyone who grew up feeling violated or not being allowed their own space, they are often overly-rigid with their boundaries around many in their lives, and often allow those closest to them (partner, best friend) to violate what little boundaries they have established for themselves.

Easily Overstimulated or Understimulated

The reality is, anyone who grew up with high levels of screaming, yelling, or chaos in their lives may become an adult who values peace and quiet. They may shutter in loud crowds, throw their hands over their ears if someone is talking too loudly, learn to go to the movie theater with earplugs, and dine out during off-hours at restaurants to limit how much noise is around them. They typically opt for the tranquility of a day spa instead of going to loud, noisy and polluted ball games.

They choose a solitary nature hike over a large group hike. They find themselves preferring an intimate evening with their partner instead of a dank and crowded bar scene. They value their space, their privacy, and quiet moments where they can create connection with those in their lives. They choose to surround themselves with people who understand that they have different needs — to be understood, accepted, and not judged for requiring serenity in their lives.

These people grew up as the at-risk kids, yet many slipped between every crack. They may have hid behind a textbook and gotten straight A’s to distract themselves from their pain. Teachers may have not known what red flags to look for since they weren’t pulling fire alarms or causing problems, and instead wanted to disappear in the back of the classroom. They may have been called “shy” by their teachers and “socially awkward”, or “a nerd” by their peers.

If a person grew up around chaos and disarray, it’s not uncommon that they now require a level of peaceful structure to help them safety navigate their world.

On the flipside, some may have grown up around chaos, screaming and yelling and learned by proxy that to get (or keep) a person’s attention they had to be the biggest and loudest person in the room. Case in point, some may develop booming (overly loud and obnoxious) voices that vie for other people’s attention. They may talk over others, or may be so brash and loud that others naturally pause and look when hearing them speak.

These people also grew up as an at-risk kid; they were the ones being sent to the principal’s office, or they were the “drop-out” who ran amok with the wrong crowd. A deeper look into why they resort to this behavior often discloses a toxic, abusive, or negligent home environment where it was “every one for themselves”. In this situationeach person’s trauma spilled over to the next in line, creating a cesspool where everyone tried staying afloat by grabbing on to another for attention, validation, or love.

If a person grew up around chaos and disarray, it’s equally common that they now become the center of attention from having been conditioned to vie for attention earlier in their life.

Written By: Annie Tanasugarn, PhD
This article was originally published on Medium.