In 2011, Gisèle Pelicot’s life became a nightmare, though she wouldn’t know it for nearly a decade. Her husband, Dominique Pelicot, had begun drugging her with sedatives and anti-anxiety medication. While she lay in an unconscious state, Dominique allegedly invited strangers from online chatrooms to rape her.
Between 2011 and 2020, over 50 men, aged 26 to 74, with professions ranging from fire officer to journalist, participated in these assaults. Some claimed they knew they were committing rape. Others said they thought it was consensual.
Gisèle, now 72, recently recounted in court how she had never given consent — “not for a single second.” She described years of unexplained memory lapses and gynecological issues but did not know about the assaults until police uncovered images on her husband’s computer.
As the trial unfolds, Gisèle faces her husband’s defense lawyers’ insinuations that perhaps the men had made an “error of judgment” — that they thought she was drunk, asleep, or even playing along. One lawyer even suggested, “There’s rape, and there’s rape,” a distinction Gisèle swiftly shut down: “No, there are no different types of rape. Rape is rape.”
For ten years, Gisèle Pelicot’s silent, frozen body was interpreted as consent. Today, she fights to ensure no one else makes the same assumption.
What is legal consent?
In the U.S., consent is legally defined as when a person “agrees to participate by choice, with the freedom and capacity to choose.” Unfortunately, a 2021 study from The American Journal of Sexuality Education shows why that simple definition is often misinterpreted with Gen Z.
The study found that nearly half of the 14–18-year-old sexually active teens thought “no response (e.g., not resisting, not saying “no”)” was the same as giving consent. But guess how many women agreed with this silence is golden approach? Zero. Not a single one of the women thought staying quiet or not fighting back counted as agreeing to sex.
Substances that lower inhibitions, such as alcohol, muddy the waters even more. 18.2% of young men said they’d interpret their partner drinking alcohol as giving consent. On the flip side, no women said they considered drinking alcohol as giving consent.
Not a single one of the women thought staying quiet or not fighting back counted as agreeing to sex.
But here is the stat that makes me want to lock my college-bound daughter up in her room and throw away the key. (Kidding. sort of.) Many participants agreed with the statement that “consent is obvious.” 25% of women and 33% of men felt like their partner would know if they were okay with having sex without needing to say anything.
Apparently, we are raising a generation of mindreaders. However, the research says differently.
Gen Z: the Sherlock Holmes of Tinder
We learn social intelligence by being social. Unfortunately, young people today are far more isolated from their peers. According to The American Survey Center, thirty years ago, 55% of men reported having at least six close friends. Today, despite larger online networks, that number has been cut in half. Only 27% of men now report having six or more close friends, and 15% say they have none.
As social isolation grows, many Gen Zers are replacing face-to-face interaction with online communication. A recent Hinge survey of over 15,000 Gen Z daters found that 69% rely on “Digital Body Language” (DBL) to decide whether someone is worth an actual date.
Okay, first off, “DBL” is not a thing. Dating Apps can invent all the bullshit terms they want for this Orwellian nightmare, but that doesn’t make them real. Body language requires an actual body. Your eggplant emoji aint’ representing. So, if you’re trying to read someone’s vibe through the pixelated equivalent of hieroglyphics, you’re playing a dangerous guessing game. You are not the Sherlock Holmes of Tinder.
Now, I know some of you might be thinking, “But I know what that message really means.” I hate to break it to you, but you don’t. One recent study concluded that pinpointing someone’s intent from how they text is nearly impossible. Essentially, your attempts to psychoanalyze someone through their typing habits are about as reliable as reading their tea leaves. Sure, they might drop a flirty emoji or two, but guess what? That could just be the same emoji they send their mom.
Silence is not consent.
Another 2019 study from The Journal of Interpersonal Violence reiterates these dangerous social norms. Even though most students could explain consent in theory (they knew saying “yes” implies consent and “no means no”), the reality is far messier. Regarding actual experiences, both guys and girls believed that silence could stand in for a verbal “yes.”
Silence is not a yes. And for many introverts, silence is a polite “no” or a sign someone is unsure about their feeling.
This is communication 101. If you want something (or don’t want something), you must put on pants, leave the house, and ask for it . . . in person. Research will back up my old-time(y) advice. A study by The Harvard Business Review found that face-to-face requests are 34 times more successful than email requests.
Yes, in-person requests can be uncomfortable, and no, you can’t hide behind your carefully curated cool. But trust me on this one. Face-to-face is where you’ll find out who’s actually worth dating and who feels the same back — i.e., consent.
Wanting and consent are not the same.
Legally, consent is the only thing that matters in determining whether or not a sexual act is okay. However, a 2021 study from The Archives of Sexual Behavior examined how university students define sexual consent.
Buckle up. You are about to get the teenage definition of rape.
About 19% of students said consent was the only factor they looked at to decide if a situation was rape. That’s a start, but a lot of these horny teens were considering other things, like whether the person wanted sex or experienced any kind of pleasure during the encounter.
Wanting and consenting aren’t the same thing. Consent is clear permission to do something. Wanting is just a feeling. For example, someone might want to have sex with someone, but if that person is married or in another relationship, they won’t act upon that desire. Self-regulation is the key to adulting.
Unfortunately, the study found that when students saw signs of wanting, they were less likely to think of a scenario as rape, even when consent wasn’t clearly given.
Wanting and consenting aren’t the same thing. Consent is clear permission to do something. Wanting is just a feeling.
More alarmingly, some students confused “giving in” with consenting. In 26% of cases, both male and female students thought if someone stopped saying no and just went along with it, that counted as agreeing to sex. Yikes.
“Giving in” can occur when someone feels pressured and wants the situation to stop, which is not the same as a clear “yes.” While most dates are not waterboard torture, many people will do anything to make them end. (Not a personal reference. Maybe) . . .
Part of this confusion comes from traditional gender roles — women are often seen as playing hard-to-get, while men are viewed as “thirsty.” Unfortunately, many misguided men often hear refusals as “token resistance” — the anachronistic claptrap that women are supposed to say no a few times but not really mean it, and men just need to keep trying. This Groundhog Day approach to dating (the movie, not the adorable rodent) only angers women.
We need a new definition of consent.
This research highlights something crucial. We often only talk about consent when it comes to sex, but consent can apply to all areas of life. Consent is about establishing your personal boundaries and the tools to communicate them effectively.
Consent isn’t a one-time question or a clear switch that flips from off to on. It’s an ongoing conversation that requires checking in — whether for something as simple as giving a hug or something as significant as getting naked. Having a black-and-white view of consent — “yes” or “no” — misses all the gray areas where consent really happens. And too often, this conversation isn’t happening when it’s needed most.
If we want to fix this, we need to stop assuming people “just know” what the other person is thinking or feeling and start talking about it — clearly and directly.
Written By: Carlyn Beccia
This article was originally published on Medium.