Relationships can be really tough.
You’ve reached adulthood, and now you have to adult. You’ve realized that there was no magical moment where all the adulty wisdom you once believed in suddenly came to you. You’re on your own to make good choices that will ultimately make you happy. And for most of us, this is a trial-and-error sort of process.
We’re all searching for “the one.” A beautiful, honest love. We want it so badly that we sometimes overlook things that need to be examined a little more closely.
Can we really leave a person that we love? How could this happen? If you love them, then you should stay, right?
There are many reasons why women leave their partners while still loving them. The two concepts are not mutually exclusive.
If you’ve found yourself at a point in your own relationship where you don’t know whether to stay or to go, peruse this list of reasons why some women choose to leave despite loving their significant other. Hopefully it will help you sort out your mind and the confusion within!
1. You have nothing in common anymore.
At the beginning of a relationship everything is new.
We go in bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, completely infatuated with that person for relatively simple reasons. But as these relationships mature, you need to have some form of common ground or common interests to help keep you both engaged with each other.
There will come a point where you know all of each other’s past stories and experience, so you need something to build future stories together.
2. You don’t “talk.”
Communication in a relationship is key to its survival.
This doesn’t just mean day-to-day utterings of “how was work?” It means being able to express your feelings adequately to your partner.
Whether what you have to say is good or bad, you can’t expect your partner to understand you if you aren’t on the same page.
3. Your partner has become too selfish.
I think it’s important to define what I mean by selfishness.
This doesn’t mean that prioritizing oneself in certain situations is selfish. Ultimately, you are the one that has to be happy.
But sometimes, I think we take this to an extreme. If you’re typically a very generous and giving person, you need to be careful of those who could take advantage of that. That makes them selfish.
If you feel like you’ve taken the brunt of too many bad moods or sacrificed your own personal growth too many times, it might be time to leave.
Someone who truly loves you and is healthy for you will make it a point not to take your nurturing demeanor for granted. And vice versa.
4. You let insecurity dominate your mental space.
This is another tough one because we’re all insecure to some extent.
I don’t know a single person who is devoid of insecurity. But while feeling anxious can be quite natural, you need to keep it in check and make sure you don’t fall into a pit of insecurity.
Dwelling on outlandish and unsupported assumptions about how our partners feel will only change how we behave toward them.
Insecurity leads to checking behavior — checking their phone, their pockets, their car. Spending your time constantly in search of wrongdoing will kill your relationship. Furthermore, if your partner is doing this to you, the lack of trust will be overwhelmingly insulting.
So I know this is a hard one, especially for people who have been burned in the past. But you have to treat every relationship as its own stand-alone experience.
Sometimes insecurity is justified, a lot of times it’s not.
5. You don’t know what the truth is.
Little white lies here and there probably aren’t going to do a lot of damage. I vote for honesty, but if my significant other’s hair looks like crap and he asks for my opinion, I might say it looks great.
I don’t hide anything important. And I don’t tolerate being lied to either. Lying is so foul and exhausting. It’s a tedious chore to have to disentangle everything your partner is telling you, trying to figure out what’s true and what isn’t.
If they lie to you once, there’s a high likelihood that they’ll do it again.
Put it this way: if you can’t be honest with your partner or if they can’t be honest with you, then what are you fighting for? What do you stand to gain from a relationship that isn’t founded on honesty?
6. You give each other zero personal space.
This can happen for a number of reasons, some a little less nefarious than others.
It could be simply that you live together and have fallen into a routine where you don’t seek out extracurricular activities. You get so used to each other’s presence that you’re completely used to being two people instead of one person sharing time with another.
Another reason you haven’t had, or haven’t given, personal space is because you/they are too codependent. If you can’t handle the thought of your partner doing things without you or you doing things without them, you need to at least ask yourself why.
Having time to yourself is an essential. We’re social beings, but we need time to recharge and do what we want to do without always having to consider somebody else.
If you can’t give each other personal space, one of you will walk.
7. Your partner has become too stoic.
When emotions are absent, it becomes extremely difficult to give our partners what they need or give ourselves what we deserve.
This relates back to falling into a routine that becomes a treadmill. It’s lazy, to be blunt.
Being cold and unemotional can make your partner feel extremely unimportant. I get that there may not be any ill intent behind this lack of expression, but indifference is really hurtful. When someone can’t muster the energy to show you warmth and pay you attention, it’s A) sort of arrogant, and B) a sign that it may be over.
8. You tried to change them or they tried to change you.
I think this one is pretty self-explanatory, but also important.
Sometimes we meet someone and absolutely adore certain qualities about them. However, they may have traits that we aren’t as keen on. Knowing this, we still enter into a committed relationship with the notion that maybe these certain undesirable traits are malleable over time.
Meh, probably not, actually. If there are things that really stick out as red flags, it’s because they’re red flags.
On the other hand, sometimes the qualities we dislike aren’t objectively bad. But they might be a huge part of what helps your partner to establish their own identity, and vice versa.
If you have spent years forming your beliefs and establishing who you are, no one is going to change that on a core level. If your partner is constantly trying to tweak this or that just to make you more attractive to them, then chances are you’ll leave.
9. You have too much personal space.
This might sound like a contradiction to #7, but it’s not.
While we want to make sure we get our own time, we also need our partner’s time.
It’s all about balance. If you’re in a relationship with someone, you deserve their time and attention, just like they deserve yours.
Being able to compromise and be understanding of a busy schedule is all fine and dandy, but A) that compromise has to go both ways, and B) you shouldn’t be forced to be the flexible one all the time.
You may love each other very much, but if the relationship is going to last, active effort needs to go into spending quality time together. If you find that you’re always the one working around someone else’s schedule, it may be time to reevaluate where you stand in the relationship and whether or not you’ve been made enough of a priority.
10. You get compared to other women.
Grrr! This one is just horrible.
Honestly, if your partner is comparing you to other women, be it a random girl on the street, his friends’ girlfriends, or the worst, his ex-girlfriend, then he’s a douche and a half and you either need to tell him to stop or tell him to go.
You are a unique and beautiful person. Our individual qualities can be so different, but they all fall into the category of Awesome. In a partnership, you’re supposed to celebrate your and your partner’s interesting qualities and benefit from them, not wish they didn’t exist.
Depending on the scale of these comparisons, they could register as emotional abuse.
Know who you are and what you’re worth. I can’t stress this enough. This important piece of self-awareness will go a long way in determining who deserves to be in your life and who doesn’t.
11. You or your partner have stopped appreciating a small gesture.
I think this last point ties the other points together well.
The only way that you and your partner can focus on appreciating the little things in life is by paying attention to them, listening to them, carving out time for them, admiring their individuality, and respecting their boundaries.
A Hail Mary effort on Valentine’s Day, your birthday, or during the holidays won’t mean as much if there’s no substance every other day of the year.
If you’re in love, truly in love, you’re going to make those little daily efforts to make your partner feel special, whether it’s bringing them a hot coffee or giving them a little shoulder rub after a long day. These little gestures are simple but extremely effective ways to show you care and are thinking about them. If your significant other only shows this effort on the big commercialized occasions, then it comes off like an obligation as opposed to an intrinsic motivation to please you and make you happy.
Here are some final thoughts…
I think that sometimes people feel like if they truly love someone, then it automatically means that you fight for the relationship indefinitely. But I strongly believe, through years of crazy experience, that you can totally love someone even if they aren’t the one for you.
I’ve broken up with men who had done nothing wrong. It’s not always a case of being scorned. He was a lovely person who loved me very much, but our interests and ambitions just didn’t jive, so I ended it. And I was pretty sure I loved him.
Other times, I’ve stayed with someone I loved but who treated me like a convenience instead of an equal partner. We want excitement and mystery; we don’t want the boring guy. The trouble is, sometimes the excitement goes along with a one-sided relationship.
But trust me when I say this — your first job is to figure yourself out. You have to convince yourself that setting standards is a must. Make a list of what you need out of a relationship and what you want.
Once you’ve done this, convince yourself that you deserve these things. I think this is the hardest part. But a standard isn’t truly set until you believe in it yourself. This gives you the freedom to go forth with the perspective that you have the power to judge whether or not a person is a good fit for you, and not the other way around.
I have spent way too much time in past relationships wondering if I was good enough, but never asking myself if that person was good enough for me.
Case in point — it’s possible to love people we shouldn’t be with. Don’t take “love” as the be–all and end–all, because when all of the other things fall into place, you’ll experience a love deeper than anything you’ve known.